A Little Much

The truth is I am a toy that people enjoy
‘Til all of the tricks don’t work anymore
And then they are bored of me
I know that it’s exciting running through the night, but
Every perfect summer’s eating me alive until you’re gone
Better on my own

They say, “You’re a little much for me
You’re a liability
You’re a little much for me”
So they pull back, make other plans
I understand, I’m a liability
Get you wild, make you leave
I’m a little much for e-a-na-na-na, everyone

I had a conversation with a fellow photographer a few days ago which I referred to in a previous post. I shared some information with them about how their photo made me feel about a recent loss (irl). Their reply got me thinking about how I have changed in terms of showing vulnerability.  I have been, quite fairly, criticised for a reluctance to show vulnerability within relationships. My go-to in pretty much any circumstance is to make a joke. Pay me a compliment I will make a self-deprecating joke. I can have a serious conversation about feelings and emotions but when it gets too heavy my get-out-of-jail-free card is to make a joke.  An ex partner used to get very angry and frustrated with me …to which I’d make a joke. I have used humour my entire life to protect myself from my greatest fears.

Like many people I don’t like rejection. I think you’d be hard pushed to find anyone that does, so it’s not unusual. It’s something I have struggled with since childhood and I’m not going to bore you the reasons but let’s just say rejection was part of daily life from a very young age and I found humour as a way of controlling my response to it. Showing vulnerability felt to me like just asking for trouble. It wasn’t just giving them ammunition it was giving them the gun, the ammo, booking them a 12 week firearms training course and painting a target on your back.  I also realised that if I wanted to resolve issues I had to be honest and sometimes that would involve more vulnerability than I felt comfortable with.  If I care about someone, I have taught myself to push through that overwhelming anxiety, and show that authenticity in the hope that it’s not rejected.

It saddens me when it is but I would rather be rejected for the person I truly am than for not being able to show them my true self.