I blog for a lot of different reasons. Sometimes my blogs are specifically for my sponsors, sometimes they are just for me. This is my forum for processing my thoughts. I find getting them down in writing helps me deal with things and I often get feedback from others who are feeling the same. This is one of those posts where I have things going on in my head that I need to make sense of.
I saw a post on facebook earlier this week that I shared because it hit a nerve. It said: You will love who you love if you really love them. Nothing can stop that. Not Death, Distance, Judgement or Deceit. You Will Love who you love.
For months now I have felt shame, disappointment and even disgust, in myself, for being in love. The person I love hurt me, more than anyone in RL or SL has ever hurt me. They abused my trust, my nature, my heart and my head. That said, they also gave me incredible highs, they made me feel like the centre of their universe and lifted me in times of extreme depression and sadness. I adored them through all their faults and my worlds dissolved when I had no choice but to face the truth about them.
Even while I dealt with that there were good things that came out of that realisation. My friendship with Sady and my ability to work unhindered and a strength I have found in myself to realise my worth. I have fought a battle though, every single day, to not try and reach out to them and reconnect. It’s human nature, when you feel like a part of your soul is missing to try and fix that or to find something to fill that gap.
On Friday I broke down and text him. Not about me, or us reconnecting but to update him on the health of a mutual friend. I think it was the right thing to do for the friend but after I sent the text I felt shame like I had never felt before. I had broken down, given in, let him win again. All the work I had done in the last few months to fix myself was undone in 160 characters. I honestly did it primarily so he touched base with the friend and let them know he still cared about them but I am sure at the back of my mind I was seizing an opportunity to reach out. That’s what shamed me. I was back to checking my phone every few seconds. I was back to feeling weak and out of control. I was back to feeling like someone else controlled me.
Life was easier when I had anger or could feign hatred..sometimes just because that’s what I thought others expected me to do. Seeing that facebook post made me realise I don’t need to pretend. It’s actually absolutely fine, natural and normal that I still love this person after everything that happened. You love who you love. The heart doesn’t take orders from the brain. It wouldn’t be fine if I put myself back in that situation of being controlled and my feelings and trust abused but it is fine that I still love them and it’s nothing I should be ashamed of.
Body – Maitreya Lara
Head – TMP – Classic
Appliers – Lara Hurley Midtone and Scarlet Head Applier
Eyes – IKON – Ascension Eyes
Hair – Truth – Ximena **NEW** in store
Dress – Dead Dollz – Madison **NEW** at Cosmopolitan
Pose – Bauhaus Movement – Becca
Location – Digital Art –Cammino e Vivo Capovolto