The Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Said


I had a conversation yesterday which got me thinking about how I would frame the thoughts for todays blog. I was talking about past experiences and the other person said a short and very obvious when you think about it phrase ‘abuse is not love’. After everything that happened a few years ago (which you will be pleased to know I am not going to dredge up again I am sure you are all sick of hearing about it) the part that took me the longest to accept and deal with was that the other person never loved me. Sady has often said that she has to believe that he did in his own way. I don’t believe so, not anymore, and I’m fine with that now.

The reason this was such a tough thing for me to admit and process is that deep down I’ve never believed I can be loved but I did believe him. In the last few hours before my mother passed away my Dad took me to one side and told me I had to tell her I loved her. I wasn’t a child, I was 23 and pregnant with my own first child. I went upstairs and sat on the edge of the bed and froze up. I couldn’t say anything at all let alone say I love you. I’m looking back on this and thinking how ridiculous it sounds. She was my Mum…I did love her but I couldn’t say it. I’d never said it. She’d never said it. I was sat there thinking why have I got to form these words and say them out loud because my Dad told me to? It felt false, not because I didn’t love her but because it just wasn’t what we did. My Mum died having never said it to me. I can count on one hand the number of times my Dad has said it to me and all of those times have been recently as he has gotten older and more aware of his mortality. I did say it but I felt completely disconnected from the words that I heard myself speaking.

I’m sure if I had this conversation with my Dad now he would say it’s because we showed each other love so we didn’t have to say it but I think that’s a cop out and it plainly was just not true. I never believed and still struggle to do so that my parents loved me. Children need to know they are loved and if you have to say it a thousand times a day to make that understood you do it. I’m not a perfect parent at all, no one is, but I’m confident that my children know how much they are loved and I believe that’s part of why both my daughters have never settled for boyfriends who didn’t value, love and cherish them as they deserved to be. They knew they were worthy of being loved and never had to question if they were at all.

About the stuff

I have a few new releases for you today! With the opening of Fetish Fair today there are lots of sexy, erotic and some downright freaky new releases on the grid! Eclipse Design has released the Belial Harness top and 2 pastie sets. There are 2 black versions of the harness top plus pink, red and white options. The pasties hud has several different options for the coloured gems as well as metal options and comes in fits for Belleza Freya and Isis, Slink Hourglass and Original and Maitreya Lara (worn).


Head – Catwa – Destiny

Skin – The Skinnery Maitreya applier and Grace Head applier

Hands – Vista – Bento Prohands

Rings – Vista– Absolut Vendetta – Hydra Rings

Piercings – Swallow – Bollywood

*Hair – Wasabi Pills – Fleur**NEW** at Uber

*Harness – E-Clipse Design – Belial **NEW** at Fetish Fair

*Panties – Miss Chelsea – Gena Panties **NEW** at FaMESHed

Leg Corset – Astralia – Leg Corset **NEW** at Fetish Fair

*Pose – Entangled Poses – Freyja

2 thoughts on “The Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Said

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